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IM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR CONCERN
IM NOT UTTERING THESE WORDS FOR YOU TO REACT TO
I JUST WANT TO GET THEM OUT
FOR MY OWN SAKE
IVE BEEN CARRYING SO MUCH SHIT AND DARKNESS
AROUND LATELY AND PERIODICALLY FOR TOO LONG
IT HAS COME TO THE POINT
WHERE ITS NOT ENOUGH TO LET IT OUT
IN SMALL DOSES HERE AND THERE
NOW ITS EITHER TO CLENCH MY JAW AND SAY NOTHING
OR TO FORCE IT OPEN AND SPILL OUT EVERYTHING
AND I CHOOSE EVERYTHING

I DONT CARE IF YOU STOP BELIEVING
THAT THE FILMS I MAKE ARE FICTION
I DONT CARE IF YOU REALIZE THAT ITS ALL ME
I DONT CARE IF YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH IM HURTING
I DONT CARE IF YOU THINK IM STUPID  AND NARCISSISTIC
EXPOSING MYSELF IN THIS WAY
I DONT CARE IF YOU FEEL PAIN 
AS A RESULT OF HEARING ABOUT MY PAIN
IM IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT I ONLY THINK ABOUT MYSELF
AND ALL THAT IS PAINFUL
I CANT THINK ABOUT YOU
OR WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK OR FEEL
I CANT CARE FOR YOU WHEN I CANT CARE FOR MYSELF
IM NOT GOING TO BE STOPPED BY NOT WANTING TO HARM YOU
THIS TIME I WONT HOLD BACK
THIS TIME ILL PUKE IT ALL OUT
VOMIT TOADS AND SNAKES AS I OPEN MY MOUTH
SPREAD ALL THE PAIN AND DARKNESS OUT
INTO THE WORLD
WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HOW I POLLUTE IT
ONLY THINKING ABOUT GETTING ALL THE SHIT AND SICKNESS
AS FAR AWAY FROM MYSELF AS POSSIBLE

S I L E N C E

I STRUGGLE WITH A HIGH LEVEL OF ANXIETY A LOT OF THE TIME
IM COMPLETELY BOUND TO MY BODY AND MY OWN SELF
EVERY MORNING AS I WAKE UP
CONSCIOUSNESS TAKES HOLD OF ME
AND IT DOES NOT LET GO OF ME UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP AGAIN
I HAVE LIVED AND WITNESSED EVERY DAY
OF MY NOW TWENTY THREE YEAR LONG LIFE 
AND I HAVE BEEN BREATHING EVERY MINUTE 
THOSE YEARS HAVE CONTAINED OF
AND MY HEART HAS BEEN BEATING FOR ALL THAT TIME
WITHOUT GETTING A BREAK
I HAVE BEEN ME MY WHOLE LIFE
AND NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR DO
OR HOW I CHANGE I WILL ALWAYS BE ME
AND I WILL NOT BE FREE OF MYSELF UNTIL I DIE
AND EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY WAKE HOUR
THE THOUGHTS WHIRL THROUGH ME
AND EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY WAKE HOUR 
THE WORDS WHIRL THROUGH ME

I AM SCARED
I AM SAD AND SCARED
FULL OF ANXIETY
FEAR
I CAN NOT GO OUTSIDE
NOT EVEN INTO THE KITCHEN IF SOMEONES THERE
I CAN NOT ANSWER CALLS OR TEXT BACK
I DO HARDLY EAT OR GO TO THE BATHROOM
I DO NOT SHOWER OR BRUSH MY TEETH
AND NO
I DONT JUST PULL MYSELF TOGETHER
AND GO OUTSIDE AND GET SOME FRESH AIR
AND FEEL BETTER
I LIE IN BED AND WISH THAT I COULD STAY THERE FOREVER
BUT EVEN MORE I WISH THAT I COULD SLEEP FOREVER
BUT EVEN MORE I WISH FOR

S I L E N C E

I CANT STAND SOUND
I PLUG AND COVER MY EARS WITH WHATEVER I CAN I CURL INTO A BALL ON THE FLOOR
AS SMALL AS POSSIBLE
SHUT MY EYES AS HARD AS I CAN
TRY NOT TO LISTEN
TRY TO DISSAPPEAR
IT HURTS
IT HURTS ME PHYSICALLY
I CANT STAND SOUND
I CANT STAND TEXT
INFORMATION
VISUAL NOISE
I CANT STAND WHEN THERES THINGS EVERYWHERE
WHEN ITS A MESS
OR DIRTY
IT HELPS TO TURN OFF ALL SOUNDS
UNPLUG EVERYTHING
WASH
CLEAN
DELETE
IM IN SO MUCH DESPAIR THAT I WALK IN CIRCLES IN MY ROOM
I WALK IN CIRCLES UNTIL I’VE LOST THE SENSE OF TIME
I COUNT EACH STEP I TAKE TO DISTRACT THE THOUGHTS
THEY GO IN CIRCLES TOO
I WALK IN CIRCLES UNTIL THE THOUGHTS
ARE WASHED AWAY AND BLURRED OUT
AND IM NAUSEOUS AND DIZZY

I AM IN INTENSE PAIN
I OFTEN THINK ABOUT HURTING MYSELF PHYSICALLY
I OFTEN HURT MYSELF PSYCHOLOGICALLY
I OFTEN THINK ABOUT DYING
I HAVE A TREMENDOUS ANGER IN ME
IT IS LOCKED AWAY
BUT IT BURNS DEEP INSIDE ME
SOMETIMES I REALLY WANT TO HURT OTHER PEOPLE
I GO BACK IN MY MEMORIES TO SITUATIONS
WHERE I FEEL LIKE YOU WERE SHITTY TO ME
AND I REACT DIFFERENTLY TO IT THAN ORIGINALLY
WHEN YOU MAKE THAT COMMENT
THAT HAS HURT ME SO MUCH LATER
INSTEAD OF JUST SHYLY SMILING AT YOU
I HIT YOU IN THE FACE
AS HARD AS I CAN
AND I SCEAM AT YOU
I SMASH THINGS
THROW THEM AROUND
I HIT HIT HIT
BEAT BEAT BEAT
I KICK
STAB
KILL 

S I L E N C E

IM SICK
IM SICK
IM SICK
I CANT HANDLE LIFE I WISH
I WAS PUT IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION
AND HAD TO STAY THERE FOREVER
WITHOUT OBLIGATION AND RESPONSIBILITY AND DESIRE
IM AFRAID ALOT OF THE TIME
AND I GET SEVERY ANXIETY ATTACKS AS WELL
USUALLY IF IM IN A ROOM WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE
AND ESPECIALLY  IF IM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD
AND ESPECIALLY IF WE HAVE TO SIT QUIETLY
AND ESPECIALLY IF I KNOW WE’RE STAYING THERE A LONG TIME
AND ESPECIALLY IF THERES NO WINDOS OR FEW DOORS
OR IF ITS NOT OKAY FOR ME TO LEAVE
THE PULSE AND TEMPERATURE RISE
BODY JAMS
HANDS SWEAT
HEART POUNDS
STOMACH BLOATS
I CANT SEE
I CANT THINK
I FORGET HOW BARELY I MANAGE
IT’S NOT REALLY NOTICEABLE
HOW CLOSE TO THE EDGE IM STANDING
AND SINCE NOBODY ELSE SEEM TO RECOGNIZE IT
I TEND TO FORGET IT AS WELL
AND KEEP ON WALKING
BUT IF I LOOK DOWN ILL REALIZE
THERES NOTHING BUT AIR BENEATH ME
AND AS IN THE CARTOON ITS AT THAT MOMENT I WILL FALL
I TRY AND NOT LOOK DOWN FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

IM BORING
IM REALLY BORING
NOT WHEN IM ALONE
BUT WHEN IM WITH OTHER PEOPLE
I HAVE NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE WITH
NOTHING TO SAY
IM LITTLE AND WEAK AND UGLY AND STUPID AND BORING
I FEEL SO LONELY
I HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY BUT IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE I DO
IT FEELS LIKE IM ALL ALONE
AND THAT NOBODY CARES
I DREAM OF BEING HELD BY SOMEONE
OF SOMEONE CARING FOR ME
OF FEELING CALM
AND LOVED
AND SAFE
AND WANTED
BUT IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE I HAVE A HOME
IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE I HAVE A FAMILY
IT DOESNT FEEL LIKE I BELONG ANYWHERE

S I L E N C E

I DREAM OF JUMPING
BUT IF I DID JUMP
WOULD IT HAPPEN QUICKLY
OR WOULD IT FEEL LIKE AN ETERNETY
WOULD MY LIFE FLASH BEFORE MY EYES
WHAT THOUGTS WOULD WHIRL THROUGH ME
DURING THOSE BRIEF SECONDS
AND FORMULATED WITH WHICH WORDS
AND WOULD THEY FLY THROUGH ME AT IMMENSE SPEED
WOULD I THINK OF ALL THE LOVE GOOD AND BEAUTY
IVE EXPERIENCED
OR WOULD I BE FILLED WITH FEAR
AND DESPAIR AND ANGER AND SORROW
WOULD I REGRET IT IN THE FALL

EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS AND POINTLESS
IM TRAPPED IN AN ENDLESS STREAM OF THOUGHTS
I ONLY THINK ABOUT MYSELF
ITS ALL I CAN IT
FEELS LIKE THE WORLD IS DECAYING
FASTER THAN IT USED TO
IM DYING
MY BODY IS ROTTING AND IM A WITNESS TO IT
MY SKIN IS DRYING UP AND WITHERING
MY SCALP IS CRACKING AND MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT
MY CHEST IS SHRINKING STRANGLING MY LUNGS
THE TENDONS IN MY MUSCLES
IN MY ARMS LEGS SHOULDERS NECK BACK AND JAW
ARE RUSTING AND STIFFENING
MY EYES DRY OUT AND BURN
SICKLY PATHETIC HAIRS ARE GROWING IN MY FACE
AND BOILS OF ACNE BURST OUT EVERYWHERE
THE NAILS AND FLESH ON MY FINGERS
GET RIPPED AND BITTEN OFF CONSTANTLY
RED AND SCRACHY PATCHES OF ECZEMA
SPREAD ON MY ARMS AND ON MY NECK
MY BODY IS ALWAYS COLD WEAK AND FATIGUED
AND MY BRAIN SPINS ROUND AND ROUND ETERNALLY
PUMPING AND PULSATING
TWISTING AND TURNING
SLITHERING AND SQUIRMING
DESPERATELY DISSOCIATIVELY DECAYING
IN AN ENDLESS CONVULSIVE MOVEMENT
AND I JUST COULDNT BEAR IT ANY LONGER
SO I TOOK THE LEAP
I JUMPED
AND NOW IM FALLING
BUT MY LIFE IS NOT FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES
THERE’S NO LOVE NO GOOD NO BEAUTY
THERES ONLY THOUGTHS WHIRLNG THROUGH ME
A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS STREAM OF WORDS AT IMMENSE SPEED
AND ALL I THINK
AND ALL I FEEL
IS FEAR AND DESPAIR AND ANGER AND SORROW
AND REGRET
 I REGRET IT
I REGRET IT
I REGRET IT
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE


THESE WORDS ARE THE THOUGHTS
THAT WHIRL THROUGH ME AS I FALL
FASTER AND FASTER
AND AT GREATER AND GREATER SPEED
DOWN INTO WHAT I CAN IMAGINE
WILL END IN ANYTHING BUT

S I L E N C E